I like these, so I stole them.
1. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
2. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
3. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
4. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
5. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah…if you suck at it.
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
8. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
9. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
10. Bad decisions make good stories
11. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
12. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
13. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
14. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you realize you’re outta control after leaning your chair back a little too far.
15. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
16. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.
17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
18. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
19. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles.
20. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
21. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
22. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
23. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
24. I wonder if cops ever get p***** off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
25. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lite than Kay.